Unsolicited advice, from an amateur, on how to become a senator

I have good news for you.
This is especially welcome news to those who have secret desires, more so to those who salivate to become senator of Canada.
Justin Trudeau, newly crowned leader of the Liberal Party of Canada, and thus steps closer to become the country’s Prime Minister is coming to town.
Mind you, it will not just be at any part of town.
It will be at the heart of downtown Toronto, the square with a moxie, the Dundas-Yonge Square. This is where one hears and feels the heartbeat of the city and this where Justin Trudeau will be on July 13.
Naughty or nice you could come and meet him.
Mon and Teresa Toralba, founder of Filipinos Making Waves Festival, now on its seventh year invited Trudeau to grace the event and he will come. Politicians do.
But that’s not actually the good news.
The better news is that those who harbour, either secretly or loudly, to be anointed senator would have the chance, in a Filipino event, organized by Filipinos, to rub elbows with the next prime minister, and cozy up to his advisers and influential hangers-on.
Once you are within earshot and in the circle, never let go; hang on to the coattails if necessary. Stay focused towards your goal.
Then you should start raising funds for the party. This, you don’t have to announce to the public. Filipinos are docile and naive and as long as you are glib talker and act like you are real you could convince your kababayan that the fundraising is for the poor of the Philippines, and even those of the world. Your kababayan would believe you and particularly when you give them ‘important’ roles in your events.
While doing this, you should pray that there will be more disaster, man-made or by natural, so fundraising could be more feverish and urgent. Attend masses, novenas, fiestas, any event, even if you are not invited. Filipinos are very hospitable and too embarrass to shoo you away especially when you are in your suit or barong tagalog; more so if you are a bearded man.
You look too credible to be ignored so the organizers with a little ‘bola-bola’ would even allow you say a few word which could last for at least ten minutes and never mind if no one is listening.
When you have accumulated boxes of relief goods call the television stations for coverage. Ask the help of the Liberal Party’s public relations office to use their connections so the loading of balik-bayan boxes to waiting trucks as backdrop of your interview could be assured of landing in the six o’clock news, even just for a few sound bites and bit of a footage.
In addition, you could hold beauty pageants, all categories, from babies to the most senior. Filipinos are such a sucker for beauty pageants they will pour their hard earned money into your pocket. An endorsement or two from the Philippine Consulate or from the Ambassador himself would lend some cosmetic credibility as well.
This is only the start of your dream career; you have to sustain it to get it after all the gold is really at the end of the rainbow.
All appearances that you do at countless events must always be within the radar of the Party to make sure that the message that you are influential in the community and therefore could deliver votes or funds or both. Better still have a cabinet minister attend with you the bigger events. Shake everybody’s hands while the minister is watching even if some seem not too willing. Always act as if you’re genuine even if others perceive you as ‘kapalmuks.’
That is not all though. You have to have a wife (I dare say wife because knowing Filipinos it’s most likely the husband that will be pushed forward to covet the senatorial post — mas bagay) who is equally as ferocious, aggressive, and thick-faced as you to prop up the your ambition. With you and your wife, a dream team has been born.
With vigor, fundraising efforts, appearances in events, media exposure (kahit letrato lang, okay na yan most Pinoys just look at the photos anyway) must be pursued relentlessly either jointly with your wife or solo. And don’t forget to bring along some rabid (not avid) alalays.
Hitch your fundraising with some established groups say Gawad Kalinga. And don’t worry about accounting because when you get that senate seat who would people believe more anyway? Senador yata yan and to add — ng Canada pa!
So be steadfast, work for the party. Money, Money, Money is the dance as in Cabaret. Be doggedly loyal and voila – Justin, once a prime Minister, will anoint you senator.
Of course there would be people who would say that you don’t have the gravitas — not enough weight to be a senator. But hey, how about all the money you have raised and donated to the Party don’t they have weight? And besides you have been appointed. You are made for life with a weighty title.
Mga inggitero lang yan sila, tse. Eat your heart out.
So, on July 13 at the Dundas-Yonge Square, come and meet the next appointing power to the Canadian Senate, Justin Trudeau himself at the Filipino Making Waves Festival and start the ball rolling to reach your dream.
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