I was in a mall on Boxing Day morning and I was expecting hoards of people rushing for the big sales. I was kind of disappointed; there were not too many shoppers. The big announcement at the doors of the stores indicating 50 to 70% discounts were there but there were not too many passers by eyeing at them Was I in the wrong mall? Or did people get all they wanted in advanced sales before Christmas? Or has the gloomy forecast of the economy made shoppers more cautious with their dollars?
I went to some of the clothing stores looking for a new blouse. I have not bought any item of clothing for more than a year and I thought I deserve a new one for the New Year. I did not find any that attracted me. The new fashions did not suit me including the colours. Is purple the colour of the year? Most of the things were in that shade. This reminds…. Am I getting out of touch?
I have been downsizing my closet, these last years. I do not want to add anything in my closet that I do not really need. As I looked at those latest fashions I felt I would be more comfortable with what I already have,
But that left me with a nagging feeling, Am I living in the past and rejecting the present? That is not good; that is intolerance. But why should I spend for something that I feel I would be uncomfortable to wear?
This thought was added to the things I need to meditate about for the coming New Year. This is a habit that I have formed that I can’t even remember when I started.
At the end of every year I try to recount what I did during the last twelve months — what had given me satisfaction, problems I had met, people I dealt with, mistakes I would not want to repeat, frustrations I had experienced, hopes that were thwarted and lessons I have learned.
In recalling these things I tend to compare events in my life from year to year, times that had been tumultuous than others, moments of successes and failures and people who had been with me at those times. There is no better test than time for the durability of friendships and relations with people. I now realize how events in one’s life can change attitudes in looking at things. But still there are aspects in our lives that are hard to change.
I was still a child during the Second World War. The hardships in life during that period rushed me into adulthood. I joined the queue for rice and learned to value money early in my life. After the war, I helped my mother earn money selling vegetables and fruits in a booth in the market after school hours and weekends.
When I was in university I was very careful that I did live within my allowance for food and transportation. I was always an officer in the university councils and had to go with other members in gatherings outside the university. I felt insecure when we went to eateries. The other members were children of lawyers, doctors, engineers and councilors. I was afraid my money in my purse would not be enough for what they might order. I often made an excuse to avoid such occasions. I made some lasting friendships with some members of that group. One of them with whom I still communicate until now became the wife of another member who later on became the president of a university.
I became very close to a girl in university with whom I ate lunch and did odd things like window-shopping. One time she fell in love with a purse and she bought it with her last penny. I had to lend her some money for transportation to get home. After that incident she often borrowed little amounts here and there that more often were not paid.
This habit continued for years until the time when we were both teaching. Whenever she called or visited, I knew the reason for it. I learned to make excuses and stopped lending or giving her money but she continued to ask. I was already away from the Philippines when she learned of my address from a mutual friend. She wrote me for the same purpose, I did not respond to that letter. That was a lesson in life I would never forget.
Life has been a long struggle. For thirteen years, I taught in two schools and went to finish higher education at night. There were no vacation or holidays for me. It took a lot of courage to leave a very secure job in the public schools to work in a university without any form of job security at the beginning. And then, when I got permanent tenure martial law was declared in the Philippines. I could not take the restrictions to academic freedom both locally and nationally that I decided to take a break for a few years and go abroad. I thought martial law would not last very long. I never returned to teach again in the Philippines.
The first years in Canada were not easy. I came in winter and I could not stand going out in the cold every day. I did not teach even if I was qualified for the job. I worked as supervisor of a student residence for eight years. I had my living quarters in the residence and I did not need to go out in the cold.
Those first eight years were a period of adjustment. Everything was new – the people, the surroundings, the customs and traditions. Even if I spoke the language proficiently (from my own point of view) the pronunciation of some words, the accent, the rhythm, the speed in talking and some of the idioms were strange to me. It was a period of learning. I had to be acquainted with the responsibilities of supervising twenty-three people.
My training and experience in administration and supervision helped me tremendously but these were different people of different races, colours and backgrounds with whom I had to work with and understand. I am a member of the visible minority whom they tended to discriminate in the beginning. Six white women who depended on my written qualifications and recommendations hired me on the spot.
It took several months of hard work before I gained the respect and trust (not all of them) of the people I was responsible for. I had to learn about their individual strengths and weaknesses and extend compassion and consideration to gain their cooperation. Getting along with them was the greatest education I got in life. It is from them that I learned what tolerance is – where it begins and where it ends.
I enjoyed that period in my life for several reasons – the challenge, the novelty, the camaraderie with young people that I used to have in my earlier profession and the time it gave me to pursue other interests like community work, traveling during my vacation days and writing. Many of my attitudes changed. I became more flexible in my outlook and some things I strictly looked at with serious abominations slowly became petty and a source of curiosity and amusement. The way people dress, especially in summer at the start shocked me. But I noticed that the malice was in me, not on the one sporting the fashion.
My exposure to cultural events, to educational and political gatherings, to sceneries in different parts of the world, the encounters with different races, colours, sexes, religious and outlooks have widened my horizons, eradicated my prejudices and emboldened me to speak my own mind.
I went back to teaching when the Ministry of Education warned me that I would lose my certificate if I did not practice in ten years.
There are always things that will remain and will always stay a part of myself. There is the love of family and friends. There is the craving for things Filipinos, like food and music. My sweet tooth for Filipino “Kakanin” like “kutsinta, puto kalamay and ginatan” remains. My sense of humour is definitely Filipino, Listening to Filipino “kundiman” gives me great pleasure. Paying hundreds of dollars for an outfit still shocks me. The idea of “pagtitipid”, saving for the rainy days will always be a part of me.
Old habits keep our identify. Losing them is like losing one’s self. I shall be bringing these old habits to the New Year.****