By Wilma Gonzales Buenaobra
In this troubled world filled with strife, conflict, angst, disappointments, sadness and loss, we tend to cling to our hurts, sorrows and pain. Frozen, the blockbuster movie could not have come timelier.
At a college commencement exercises, guest speaker’s gist was: “While at a cemetery looking at tombstones one day, I noted two dates engraved on each of them. The day the person was born, and the day the person died. It occurred to me that the dash in between these two dates is how they lived their lives. Just a small dash summed up all of the person’s struggles and glories, failure or success, love or hate, in the person’s life, in our lives. So my advice to you today is live your life well, but always remember that while cannot control the particular circumstance in which we have been born with, and has been dealt us. We can control how we respond to each and every circumstance presented to us. It is our attitude that spells the difference. And it is that with which we will be judged.”
In the spirit of the year of the goat, as we pray, “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who have sinned against us.” We might consider remembering the condition we have set for ourselves; provided (as we) forgive others can we only be forgiven. But we set ourselves higher than the Power we pray to. We cannot forgive. Unwittingly setting up our selves to a boatload of repercussions. In the book “You Can’t Afford the Luxury of a Negative Thought” written by a cancer survivor (Peter McWilliams), it illustrates how negative thoughts affect our bodies, such as anger. A sage wrote, “If one only knew what anger does to the body; no one will get angry. No one will hold a grudge against anyone.” While we instinctively know that hanging onto anger is not healthy, in spite of feeling discomfort, heaviness in our hearts, we allow our stubbornness to prevail. We keep it until we, or the other person is no more. We are constantly under the notion that we are more important, and right (almost always). We allow our egoism to rule our life. Egoism is actually an illusion made up by the mind to set us apart and above the rest: self-importance.
We can let go of this notion without losing a limb or organ, and our bank account! Yet we treat it as it were a living and palpable appendage attached to our body. We refer to it as our bruised ego; our deeply wounded feelings; adding insult to injury to our being, and an attack on our dignity. We take everything personally! The ego is the creation of the mind. Its function is to differentiate us from the rest. It is what makes us an individual; it is what gives us our personality, ambition to strive and work at something; aspire for love, happiness, and success. Nothing more. It was not meant to create superiority over others. Simply put, we are just drops that emerged from the Divine ocean, encapsulated in a human body to function and live in this world.
From the “Book of Tao” (pronounced Dao):
“One day, the sage gave the disciple an empty sack and a basket of potatoes. “Think of all the people who have done or said something against you in the recent past, especially those you cannot forgive. For each of them, inscribe the name on a potato and put it in the sack.”
The disciple came up quite a few names, and soon his sack was heavy with potatoes.
“Carry the sack with you wherever you go for a week,” said the sage. “We’ll talk after that.”
At first, the disciple thought nothing of it. Carrying the sack was not particularly difficult. But after a while, it became more of a burden. It sometimes got in the way, and it seemed to require more effort to carry as time went on, even though its weight remained the same.
After a few days, the sack began to smell. The carved potatoes gave off a ripe odor. Not only were they increasingly inconvenient to carry around, they were also becoming rather unpleasant.
Finally, the week was over. The sage summoned the disciple, “Any thoughts about all this?”
“Yes, Master,” the disciple, replied. “When we are unable to forgive others, we carry negative feelings with us everywhere, much like these potatoes. That negativity becomes a burden to us and, after a while, it festers.”
“Yes, that is exactly what happens when one holds a grudge. So, how can we lighten the load?”
“We must strive to forgive.”
“Forgiving someone is the equivalent of removing the corresponding potato from the sack. How many of your transgressors are you able to forgive?”
“I’ve thought about it quite a bit, Master,” the disciple said. “It required much effort, but I have decided to forgive all of them.”
“Very well, we can remove all the potatoes. Were there any more people who transgressed against you this last week?”
The disciple thought for a while and admitted there were. Then he felt panic when he realized his empty sack was about to get filled up again.
“Master,” he asked, “if we continue like this, wouldn’t there always be potatoes in the sack week after week?”
“Yes, as long as people speak or act against you in some way, you will always have potatoes.”
“But Master, we can never control what others do. So what good is the Tao in this case?”
“We’re not at the realm of the Tao yet. Everything we have talked about so far is the conventional approach to forgiveness. It is the same thing that many philosophies and most religions preach – we must constantly strive to forgive, for it is an important virtue. This is not the Tao because there is no striving in the Tao.”
“Then what is the Tao, Master?”
“You can figure it out. If the potatoes are negative feelings, then what is the sack?”
“The sack is… that which allows me to hold on to the negativity. It is something within us that makes us dwell on feeling offended…. Ah, it is my inflated sense of self-importance.”
“And what will happen if you let go of it?”
“Then… the things that people do or say against me no longer seem like such a major issue.”
“In that case, you won’t have any names to inscribe on potatoes. That means no more weight to carry around, and no more bad smells. The Tao of forgiveness is the conscious decision to not just to remove some potatoes… but to relinquish the entire sack.”
This is the basis of the Tao approach to forgiveness. Believe it or not, it is actually what Christ taught us, to do by His example. How frequently we forget. Just as when a disciple asked Him, “Lord how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”
Therefore it behooves us to live life without clinging to our “sack of potatoes.” That container of resentment, all the ill wills we hold and keep close to our hearts. A caisson our minds periodically dig into. To review, play with time and time again, like a favorite song. In the process, increasing our loss. How many tumors, heart attacks, cancers, blood disorders has this sack cost humanity? It is exponential and unimaginable. But we hang on to it for the rest of our days like rare jewels so precious, we can’t move past it. Rather, we pass it on. Whether it is familial, religious, cultural, or a simple case of a difference in opinion, it brings dissention and strife. One injustice, one hurt is propagated generation after generation until it takes a life of its own and there is widespread hatred against one another. Unfortunately, much as we try, as long as we are on this planet, breathing, and feeling, we are all under the sway of our mind. It is the nature of the mind to cling to negative thoughts unless and until by some miracle, we have developed a stronger, higher mind that can somehow subjugate the lower mind’s tendencies. “The brain is drawn to bad news, when an event is flagged as negative, the brain’s hippocampus makes sure it is stored carefully for future reference. Once burned, twice shy. Your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones—even though most of your experiences are probably neutral or positive.” The aforementioned quote was taken from the book Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom, by Rick Hanson, Ph.D., with Richard Mendius, M.D.
Awareness of our mind’s nature is key. Understanding our natural tendency to replay and harbor negative feelings. Thus, we have a choice: to go on allowing ourselves to be drawn to the dark, or attempt to rise above it all in the interest of our health, peace of mind, and general well being. We are all guilty of this. From a leaflet at a doctor’s clinic: “Blood Pressure & Your Lifestyle,” under the subtitle,” Factors Within Your Control. Risks factors listed such as: Weight, Alcohol, Cigarette Smoking, Diet, and so forth, was:
Stress, repressed anger: Studies have shown that emotional stress, anger and frustration are associated with blood pressure and heart problems.”
In sum, the best thing we can give ourselves is to permanently rid of all of the potatoes, and the sack that holds them. Celebrate living in joy, optimism, and forgiveness, including forgiving ourselves for our mistakes.
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About the author:
– A former staff of the Asian Development Bank (ADB), Philippines.
– A retiree of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), Washington, D.C.
– A former professor of Tagalog at George Washington University, Washington, D.C.
– A free-lance writer. Several articles published in the Philippines and in the US.
– A part-time practitioner of Jin Shin Jyutsu, based in Scottsdale, Arizona, USA.
– Outreach interests:
Feed the Hungry, Inc., (a bona fide nonprofit IMF/World Bank Group charity initiative based in Virginia, USA), “serving the Philippines’ marginalized sectors of society;”
The Cartwheel Foundation of the Philippines, Pasig City, Philippines; “providing start-up education and educational materials to indigenous tribal children;”
Global Volunteer Network (GVN), a worldwide volunteer network “addressing the needs of third world countries,” Wellington, New Zealand; and,
The 3000 Club of the Philippines, Inc., a bona fide nonprofit organization serving the Filipino community “helping one Barangay at a time.” Spearheaded by former ADB staff members. It operates out of Arizona, USA and Pasay City, MM, Philippines.