Early this week the whole of Canada, most especially the Greater Toronto Area, was deeply saddened by the news of the passing away of the leader of the National Democratic Party, the Honourable Jack Layton. He was the leader of the official opposition party in the Federal Parliament in Ottawa. Jack Layton as everyone in Canada addressed him, whether high officials in government or the common people including the homeless. He was one of the most consistent and assertive spokespersons for the most crucial social issues in Canadian society including the plights of the common workers, the homeless as well as the residents of subsidized housing, the First Nations people, victims of HIV, immigrants and refugees, gay rights, senior citizens, daycare and other women issues.
As I prepared to write the continuation of my article on domestic abuse, I could not help thinking of Jack Layton. He was inextricably entwined in this issue. He had championed women’s and children’s rights and had encouraged the so called weaker sex to stand up and speak for themselves. As I mentioned in my previous article, the issue of domestic abuse is a topic often avoided and not openly discussed. Jack Layton’s letter to the people of Canada urging us to love, hope and be optimistic is an inspiration for all Canadian men and women to correct whatever is wrong in our society. Domestic abuse is wrong and all of us should try to contribute to correct this problem in our society.
In many cases, domestic abuse is so serious that members of the family whether he or she is the husband, wife, children or extended family get seriously hurt. In such cases the police are called, either by a member of the family, a neighbour or a friend. But domestic abuse is more than just physical abuse. There are many other forms that are not seen by the naked eye but have more serious and deeper repercussions.
Emotional abuse is often not easily detected and covered up because of the shame that it causes on the victim. The most common of this type of abuse are name calling, swearing, put-downs, and threatening. In an argument, a man or a woman may use any of these methods to stop the partner or the off-spring from continuing whatever one wishes to say. A loud voice, sometimes accompanied by throwing or destroying property is an effective way of winning in an argument.
Isolation is another approach that results in emotional abuse. Prohibiting one’s partner in associating with members of the extended family or friends creates a feeling of insecurity and estrangement. Accusing relatives or friends of having undesirable effect on a partner is often used as an excuse for this behaviour. For someone who is an immigrant who has few connections in the new environment, being isolated from relatives and friends can be terribly lonely.
Control of finances without giving the partner a say on the decisions on how and what to spend the family finances for, can produce distress and emotional grief. The reason of some men that they are the ones earning the money and therefore have a right to make all the decisions in spending it is not valid. The woman who may not be employed is an equal partner because she is responsible for the upkeep of the home and taking care of the children. Housekeeping is an employment. Perhaps control of finances by the husband is not very common among Filipino homes. In the Philippines, the husband gives his earnings to his wife who usually controls the purse. The woman gives the husband an allowance for his everyday expenses. It is possible that financial control may be done to the extreme by the wife. This is also undesirable.
There was a time when men considered it a right to have sex with their wives whenever they wished to. This demand is now considered sexual abuse. Sex has to be consensual. The man has no right to force his partner if she is not ready for sex. Undesirable comments about the partner’s physical attributes are also sexual abuse.
Many families from different countries have brought with them mores and traditions on husband-wife relationships that are not acceptable in North America. The idea that the husband has the right to make all the important decisions in the home without giving the wife a say is one of them. Equality of rights of the sexes is the norm. House chores are not just for the women. Men are expected to share in some of them, including taking care of the baby, doing laundry, shopping and cooking. When the woman comes home late from work, the husband is expected to cook supper, if he comes home earlier.
To some men, this change in expectations is hard to accept, they feel it lessens their manliness. In the Philippines, during my time, several decades ago, a man doing housework was considered “under the saya”. This common belief may have changed. The power of technology has erased the boundaries among nations and countries. What is happening in North America is viewed in all parts of the world through television and the Internet.
It is hoped that these articles on domestic abuse would open the eyes of both men and women and examine their relationships. Awareness is the first step in dealing with the problem. Courage to correct what is wrong is the second step. Acceptance of the existence of the problem is not an easy task because it involves giving up on power and control. It takes a great deal from a man or a woman to let go because the feeling of self security is involved, But as time goes one we shall see that relationship based on trust is more rewarding that one based on power and control.
As Jack Layton had said at the end of his letter to all Canadians,
“Love is better than anger, Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.”
These words apply to our homes. They deserve the love, hope and optimism that will change the world.
Fared well