“Torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool/Loving both of you is breaking all the rules.” — Lyrics from Torn Between Two Lovers, a song by Mary MacGregor.
“What decides the purpose of life is simply the programme of the pleasure principle.” — Sigmund Freud.
Marriage is the total surrender to love, I thought, when I married my husband Jim. The first time I saw him I was head over heels for him right away. He was good-looking and physically well-chiseled, being in the Canadian Armed Forces as a Warrant Officer. I was over the moon during our two-week honeymoon in the white sand resort of Riviera Maya in Cancun, Mexico. The sex was extremely wild, an experience that opened my eyes to what orgasm was all about. It blew my mind to high seven seas with their storms, tides and depths. That love produced a beautiful son we named Adonis.
After the birth of my son, our life was normalized in the same way as any average family. At first I stayed home to take care of our son, but as soon as he went to school, I took a job as a secretary to the vice-president of a large investment firm. Meanwhile Jim would be assigned in different places all over the world. He would come home for a week and be away at least four months. Jim’s absence would put just a little bit of a strain in our relationship, but we adapted, especially our lovemaking. When he came home, our sex was intense and pleasurable every day for a week to make up for the lost time. I was on birth control so another child was never a concern.
Time changed us. The familiarity of our lovemaking bored us. The excitement of him coming home was gone. Sex became rare like a Cebu flowerpecker. In fact, we just resorted to a little bit of kissing and hugging, and that would be enough. I did not know if my husband was suffering from any mental or physical condition for his low sex drive. I never asked, afraid to find out if he was having an affair. Nevertheless, I maintained my sexy body by hitting the gym regularly. So at forty years of age, I still felt virile. It would be Jim’s loss not to pay attention to an irresistible asset that was readily available for him to enjoy.
My firm was big on Christmas party at the end of the year. After all, money flowed in at considerable amount and bonuses would trickle down only to the big people in the company. In a way, the Christmas party was management’s appreciation to all employees regardless of titles. I never attended but was told it was fun and raucous. Staff were treated with fine dining, free drinks and taxi fares. There would be bread throwing after dinner, then dancing until one a.m. Flirtations would be the norm, including those who were married but attended the party alone. Inhibitions would take a back seat for now. But water cooler gossips would run rampant after the holiday break.
We both looked at each other at the same time and our eyes locked in, unmindful of our surroundings. He got up, went straight to my table and asked me to dance. We never separated until it’s time to go. We were the last ones to leave. We said goodbye with an innocent kiss. It left a wild impression on me during my ride home in a taxi cab, and when I hit the bed.
The following year, Kevin asked me to have lunch with him. I could have refused and ended the fantasy right there and then. But I was intrigued. I needed to know more about Kevin.
Our conversation was easy and comfortable. We laughed a lot and hit it off. There followed more lunch dates until together we felt to kick our relationship up a notch. Instead of a lunch we booked a room in an expensive hotel with disguised names. There we opened up our sexual fantasies to one another. They were explosive. Kevin explored my body like a professional diver admiring the Great Barrier Reef in Australia. This experience was new to me and I learned to reciprocate as well. I felt greatly wanted and forgot I was married. I was alive again!
Every night I thought of Kevin and could not wait to get out of the office as soon as it was time for my lunch break. We were very discrete and so no one in the office knew our affair. My family never had a clue either. I was undetected and there was no reason for me to stop. But I could not speak for Kevin. He found a new target for his lusty eyes. I was heartbroken and feeling dispirited at home and at the office. I had no choice but to pick myself up.
It helped that Jim applied for a military furlough. It was a great distraction to the sad feeling I had inside —for missing Kevin like a young at heart. I suppressed my loneliness and focused on being a good wife. I made Jim’s vacation as wonderful as I could.
One night we had an unexpected desire with one another. He was surprised when I took him in in my mouth. We were exhausted but contented. There was truth to the saying that “love is lovelier the second time around” as well as hearing Frank Sinatra singing it.
But life had a way to reverse its course. When my husband’s furlough was over, our cold relationship started again.
I bumped into Kevin accidentally while out shopping in a high-end mall one Saturday morning. I never saw him and avoided him completely at the office after his outright dismissal of me. Even at fifty five years old, I still had an amazing body that would trigger lust from horny men; and they were everywhere. He was charming as usual and I fell for it once again. Some things never changed. We ended up in a hotel and never got tired making love for the entire afternoon. We had orgasms several times. Again, this was new to me. Kevin really had a way with women. And the second time around not only did not fail to deliver but it was also quite magical. If only Kevin could be mine forever.
The truth was I knew Kevin had other flings. He was honest about it. And I was resigned to his womanizing as long as I got a little piece of action. Better than nothing, I thought. My concupiscence always got the better of me. I cried sometimes because of humiliation—how I debased myself at the altar of love. But the grief would go away after spending time with Kevin. I still wanted him more than ever. Rejection could draw you in without the restraint of common sense.
My son, Adonis, now had a family of his own. He had two boys and a girl. They called me Lola. Hearing it made me feel really, really old. My husband retired from the military with a good pension. He was taking blood pressure pills and caused him to lose his libido. Whenever we attended parties with friends, he mentioned his lack of sexual desire with a joke. He would say that nowadays people had their IPAD while he had his IPED, to mean, Irrelevant Penis with Erectile Dysfunction. That would bring a good smile and my husband would relish his wittiness.
I lost Kevin permanently way back before I retired, but I knew it was inevitable. Sex like food is insatiable as long as there is variety. The good thing was I never got caught. My secret would remain undiscovered and be buried with me to my final destination. My family loved me and I loved them. I didn’t care where Kevin was. Was he still alive? Did he find his ideal woman to marry?
Unlike the song Torn Between Two Lovers, I was never in a position to choose one from the other. Jim stayed with me for better or for worse, but Kevin was an enigma for a thrilling sexual adventure. That made Kevin more of a magnet and harder to resist. If my affair was revealed, I would perhaps choose Kevin. I don’t know why we are drawn to bad guys. But I was pretty sure any relationship with Kevin wouldn’t last long. And I wouldn’t end up with a beautiful family I had now. In spite of my mortal sin, I was still blessed.
At seventy five my promiscuity never left me. I ogled at Kevin-look-alike, whether of my age or younger, everywhere. But that was as far as I could go. I didn’t have the nerve to approach and be rejected. Old age made me faced the reality that the beauty I once had didn’t have currency anymore. I had accepted the fact that life was not all about sex. Also, I couldn’t face the disappointment on the faces of my grandchildren about their Lola acting like a cougar. That’s not the way I would like to end my life story.
Jim died of a heart attack as a result of trying to please me. In the moment I felt his hardness, he collapsed suddenly on top of me. I told the paramedics he died of exhaustion after spending time in the garden.
Nowadays I whiled away my days fighting off loneliness. I sat usually on a soft leather chair with eyes closed, reminiscing the sweet fragrance of sex and its fantasies that drove me to an unmitigated height of ecstasy! I smiled before my state of consciousness dimmed forever.
19 June 2025