“The reward of a good life is the living of it.”—Stuart Turton, The Last Murder at the End of the World.
If I only knew life would be extremely trying, like a runner jumping over several hurdles, yet not guaranteed of victory, I would have refused to get out from my mother’s womb, though it would result in possible death for both or either one of us; anyway, it is beyond anyone’s control, you exist due to love, with six siblings before you but being at the tail end you get the least priority, thus having more difficulty growing up, while other kids sail through life comfortably ; that’s the unfairness of God’s punishment in a single disobedience without another chance for redemption, after installing Adam and Eve in a place called Eden, where joy and peace run in abundance, as the story is told, then tempt them with the fruits of the Tree of Knowledge; of course they will be curious, who wouldn’t be, after all it’s part of their nature to at least know something about their surroundings, why program them to be imperfect and with the curiosity of a cat, then the moment they disobey, boom! they are kicked out of Paradise and start a new life full of struggles and pains, especially for Eve, who has been designated as the property of Adam to be controlled as he sees fit; and when they are out of Eden, the first knowledge they acquire is to be ashamed of their naked bodies, so they need clothes from now on to cover the shame of their disobedience; so for many generations thereafter human beings have to pay homage to the God above and when He is angry, sacrifices must be offered to pacify Him; then that rite seems cruel and religion devises another rite blessed by God through His emissaries here on earth, the Sacrament of Confessions, so people can sin many times and be forgiven many times, too; this knowledge I learn in a Catholic school, where we learn about the mercy of God the Father in our way to Heaven through another God the Son named Jesus who is made flesh like us, manifested in the God of the Holy Spirit, thus forming the Holy Trinity, which is confusing but there is no way to argue against it because it is said by those who have constant communication with God and are very knowledgeable of the Bible, which contains God’s instructions and teachings, and they select the appropriate reading and explain it during the mass; that just comprises my religious education without bothering to read the original source; then I consider entering the seminary and be a novice after graduating from high school, and it seems it is the right choice, knowing I may not have the funding for university, but my sister from Canada bails me out; so off I go to the city, far away from home for the first time, sharing board and lodging with strangers in a congested, single room; also during a climate of strong student protest, effective political opposition, and rising communist infiltration; unsophisticated and lagging behind in knowledge compared to the city-educated classmates; living in constant fear and anxiety on how to make my voice heard inside the classroom; unsure of himself how to make the grade but somehow able to obtain a degree in four years; continue to law school but drop out when there is no more financial support; look for a job but no employer is willing to give me the chance, so my future looks bleak, then the same sister has included me in her immigration sponsorship of our mom; Canada, which I know nothing about, has given me the opportunity for a better life; I have found a job immediately, as long as you are not picky, because jobs are in abundance; marry a Filipina with Canadian citizenship instead of looking for possible love in the Philipppines; work for several companies while continuing education at night in order to have a chance for promotion; become a father at a young age; live in a rented apartment at first in several locations in the Greater Toronto Area, and later in a modest single- family house in Pickering; and as the years go by, the only child has grown up, leaving her parents to be on her own and free from parental control and judgment; the cycle of life is repeated; meanwhile it’s time to retire from work after paying off the mortgage and enjoy living, but the daughter says, “not too fast mom and dad, I need you to babysit my kids,” and without hesitation we agree and postpone the further sightseeing of the world, though we have been to a few wonderful destinations; instead we ride on public transit every day to our daughter’s downtown condo near Fort York, bringing with us our own lunch; which takes us back to our working days when we wake up at the sound of the alarm at five in the morning and coming home at around six at night, all in a day’s work, then spending the whole weekend catching up with household chores like cleaning the house, gardening , doing yard work, buying groceries, but happy nevertheless for bonding with the grandchildren while they are still young, and they seem to like you more and having funny and memorable conversations, till they grow up and learn you are not that important and special anymore, but that’s okay because seeing them grow up is the best part of being a grandparent, especially when they always seem to look cute and lovable in your eyes; then you begin to grapple the hard question of facing your mortality; so every day now is a blessing, the gift of life which I dread at the beginning, the challenge now is to be healthy; yes, walking does not strain my body that much, still I feel the aches and pains of old age, so I get a massage for an hour, at least it will heal me a bit until I work out again; don’t forget the mind, it needs exercise, too, so off I go to the library to borrow books, mostly thrillers, crime and legal dramas, they are easy readings than the historical, political, religious, biographical, philosophical, serious literary books that sit in my home library, now getting less and less because I start donating them, then feeling guilty, of course, but I have to be ruthless sometimes for the greater good, that’s a great justification don’t you think, but really a selection must be made, for time is fleeting now and one cannot know when the eternal silence will prevail, waking up early in the morning, reflecting on life lived and the missed opportunities simply because you are scared to take the risk, afraid of the failures, losses and rejections and a mind that is always holding you back and you try to fight it off but to no avail because such negative emotion is stronger than your courage; still I make it through life although without much fanfare, but that is okay because your best audience is yourself and you always have to be kind with yourself; when suddenly you are interrupted with the urgent feeling that you have to pee, as you do every day at an ungodly hour when sleep is supposed to be deep, dreaming of everything even the impossible, and I can make myself a winner and more accomplished than the reality I live in, darn it, I have it going there for a moment and now it is gone, just drifting in and out of wakefulness; well, I’ll just wait for the sun to crack through our bedroom window, in the meantime, I can look back and reflect again: I live a long life, more than Elvis Presley or Michael Jackson, both talented artists, and in no way I can measure up in the celebration of their achievements, but in being ordinary, all things considered, my life is not bad; for sure there are things I like to have happened more than the real outcome, roads not taken, or going the wrong way, because my shy personality will not allow me to succeed no matter how I try to be brave, and the talents are limited, too; failures and rejections are just piling up, though they mean to hold me back, discouraged me even, but there are ways around them with a little dose of self-belief and optimism, as I carry on with what I have , in a journey called life, I manage it better than what my father did to provide for his family, survive the dramas of childhood and adulthood, with a good wife supporting me all the way, giving me all the love and understanding, in good times and in bad times, that my life is much more wonderful because she is in it; what is there to complain about, when I have made it good in spite of my lacking self; there must be a point of acceptance, a degree of satisfaction, and a recognition that in the larger scheme of things, I am indeed just ordinary and negligible and small like the period at the end of this long sentence.
5 February 2026